When I was five I remember standing in the fabric store mesmerized by all the colors of thread. It felt like a whole new world opened up to me. Seeing all those beautiful colors next to each other was just pure magic. So I did the most rational thing possible. Picked out my very favorite colors and stuck them deep into my pockets. Most five year olds shoplift candy or toys. But not me. I go for thread. I am hardcore. I don’t think we got far before my mom realized what I had done and I had to return them to the store.
So this week I decided I was going to make a pompom garland. My mom gave me her stash of yarn. But my heart was longing for some bright happy colors. So off I ventured to the fabric store, thinking I would only buy one or two new colors.
For the love of pompoms people, why has no one ever warned me about the yarn section at the fabric store? I was instantly five years old again. I wanted every single darn shade. I can’t even tell you how happy it made my little heart. Oh how I love color!
Now I never want to leave this happy little corner of my home.
I am super excited that my new website is now live!!! I worked really hard on it and taught myself WordPress.org. It is a work in progress but I would love for you to go check it out and let me know what you think. Hopefully all of the kinks have been worked out. It helps to have a Geek for a husband!!!! You can go check it out here. Super excited!!! Here is some new artwork as well. Enjoy!
It literally feels like I can’t even keep up with posting new artwork because I am creating stuff so fast! I showed you some new work the other day as a sort of before and after. But there is so much more that is new to share!!!! Plus, I am super excited to share with you a brand new website very soon. It’s all done, but I am just waiting for the technical side of everything to get uploaded. AND… I feel really proud of this new website. I feel so good to be getting my bearings again… Like maybe, there is something around the corner besides these awful health problems and mental health issues. I will say that anxiety is not to be messed with and you most definitely have to get help. I am so happy that I did and that I am on a path that is getting better every day. I still have rough days, and rough moments. But they are slowly getting fewer and farther between. Anyways, I don’t even remember what artwork I have posted. So here goes….
You know I love a good makeover! And sometimes I love certain pieces to return to them and kind of freshen them up a bit. These two pieces are pencil portraits that I did in high school. When I first started doing digital work, I added some digital elements to them. Well now that I have grown so much in the last year or so, these pieces really were starting to bug me. I still liked them, but I knew they could be way better!!!! So here is a little before and after for you.
I have fallen in love with green. Not exactly sure when it happened. Maybe I can blame it all on a sweater. This one in particular…
Well, you can hardly see it in this picture. But I am not about to take another because I am just that lazy. Anyways, green has very rarely made it into my paintings lately. I am not sure why. I have been pink, purple and blue obsessed for a while now. But this switch to green was unexpected and I am pretty sure that it symbolizes growth. Isn’t it funny how you kind of switch your favorite colors? Anyways I just thought I would share some of the green yumminess I have been painting lately.
I am writing this post mostly for myself. So I can process. Breathe through it. And most of all, to release it. As I am walking away from a friendship, I realize that I probably never really will get closure. Oh, maybe in a few years we will resolve things, but maybe not.
We have all been there. The place where we are all of a sudden in the midst of a very drama filled situation with a friend. Usually the closer the friendship, the bigger the explosion. It’s not my first time around the block. I have lost several friendships in this way. Either there is too much hurt caused on both sides, or one person doesn’t communicate. And you are left thinking, what the heck am I supposed to do with this?
And usually it’s followed by all these questions… What did I do? What in the world are they thinking? Why can’t they just communicate with me? Oftentimes, these situations get us deeply focused on ourselves. I will often find myself beating myself up about something that may or may not have anything to do with me. This is often the destruction left behind. And sometimes it takes years to weed through it.
Hurt people, hurt people.
So most of the time, the hurt just goes back and forth. And it becomes some manipulative cycle of getting the other person to see your pain. On both sides. It all comes down to well, you… but you… And when it gets to that point, most of the time it spirals out of control.
Oh and the justification… Ugh with the justification already. Right, I see how me saying the wrong thing gave you permission to completely shut me out. (Vent over).
Guess what? I refuse to go there anymore. Because usually I am the one who walks away wounded. I am learning that I don’t have to let that other person wound me. I am amazing. And especially in this situation, I know that it has nothing to do with me or anything I did. (I think it has more to do with who I am, and my friend just can’t handle being around me right now.) And I’m ok with that.
Anyways, most of the conversation always goes back to me. Well, if you hadn’t said this then I wouldn’t have done this. And round and round we go, without any resolution. It’s always the same. The blaming. And as a highly sensitive person, I usually end up carrying it all around with me.
I think it’s time for me to get off this particular roller coaster.
Not this time. Sorry. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Right now. I still love my beautiful friend. But I know she can’t see it through all of the hurt.
I choose to walk away in dignity. I choose to tell her the truth. I choose to walk away as a whole person.
And you know what? That feels AMAZING!!! I am so dang proud of myself for continuing to love myself through this. I am so proud of myself for setting boundaries and not letting someone talk to me in certain ways.
Thanks for the little chat. And thanks for listening to me process.
Please! It’s really all I want to do right now. Paint my life away! It’s seriously my sanity. I love the lazy days of summer. And after some serious drama in my life from a particular relationship, I feel like I need it all the more right now. I set up studio for the summer in my dining room. It just feels more relaxed and like I can be with my kiddos more while I work. So here are some things I have been working on.