I am writing this post mostly for myself. So I can process. Breathe through it. And most of all, to release it. As I am walking away from a friendship, I realize that I probably never really will get closure. Oh, maybe in a few years we will resolve things, but maybe not.
We have all been there. The place where we are all of a sudden in the midst of a very drama filled situation with a friend. Usually the closer the friendship, the bigger the explosion. It’s not my first time around the block. I have lost several friendships in this way. Either there is too much hurt caused on both sides, or one person doesn’t communicate. And you are left thinking, what the heck am I supposed to do with this?
And usually it’s followed by all these questions… What did I do? What in the world are they thinking? Why can’t they just communicate with me? Oftentimes, these situations get us deeply focused on ourselves. I will often find myself beating myself up about something that may or may not have anything to do with me. This is often the destruction left behind. And sometimes it takes years to weed through it.
Hurt people, hurt people.
So most of the time, the hurt just goes back and forth. And it becomes some manipulative cycle of getting the other person to see your pain. On both sides. It all comes down to well, you… but you… And when it gets to that point, most of the time it spirals out of control.
Oh and the justification… Ugh with the justification already. Right, I see how me saying the wrong thing gave you permission to completely shut me out. (Vent over).
Guess what? I refuse to go there anymore. Because usually I am the one who walks away wounded. I am learning that I don’t have to let that other person wound me. I am amazing. And especially in this situation, I know that it has nothing to do with me or anything I did. (I think it has more to do with who I am, and my friend just can’t handle being around me right now.) And I’m ok with that.
Anyways, most of the conversation always goes back to me. Well, if you hadn’t said this then I wouldn’t have done this. And round and round we go, without any resolution. It’s always the same. The blaming. And as a highly sensitive person, I usually end up carrying it all around with me.
I think it’s time for me to get off this particular roller coaster.
Not this time. Sorry. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Right now. I still love my beautiful friend. But I know she can’t see it through all of the hurt.
I choose to walk away in dignity. I choose to tell her the truth. I choose to walk away as a whole person.
And you know what? That feels AMAZING!!! I am so dang proud of myself for continuing to love myself through this. I am so proud of myself for setting boundaries and not letting someone talk to me in certain ways.
Thanks for the little chat. And thanks for listening to me process.
Please! It’s really all I want to do right now. Paint my life away! It’s seriously my sanity. I love the lazy days of summer. And after some serious drama in my life from a particular relationship, I feel like I need it all the more right now. I set up studio for the summer in my dining room. It just feels more relaxed and like I can be with my kiddos more while I work. So here are some things I have been working on.
When I chose “grounded” as my word for the year 2014, I had no idea really what the next year would hold for me. I didn’t realize that I would have more than ample opportunities to really stay grounded. Life never turns out the way we think it will.
I am still reeling from the health crash of 2014. I have finally come to the conclusion that my body shutting down was just a mixture of a lot of things. And I don’t have to figure it out either. My job is just to take care of myself the best that I can.
It has meant asking for a LOT of help. From friends and family and doctors and specialists.
I have learned that it’s ok to fire a doctor who is not safe. I get to set the boundaries in my life, my heart and my relationships. I have the power to say when something’s not ok.
I get to say no. I am the only one who can listen to my body. And it’s ok to ask for what you need. And it’s ok to take the time to really heal. Because I deserve it.
If you ignore your body, it will find a way to tell you something. Trust me.
When you have been through any kind of trauma, it lives in your body. Bleh! And until you deal with that trauma, it’s very easy to return to fight or flight. Or even live there.
What I didn’t know, was how often my body was operating in fight or flight. And all it took this last year was a series of major illnesses to send my body and brain into perpetual fight or flight. Which meant every day panic attacks, trips to the ER, the doctor, and the Emergicare. I feel like I have this going to the ER down pat. I know what to bring with me, when the best time to go is, who to take, and what to ask for. I even started recognizing the staff! Wow, you know that is bad.
But through all of that, I learned to really listen to my body. That it really is ok to ask for help. And to not be so hard on myself.
The last time I was there, the guy who taking all of my information just kept saying, “I’m not judging you!” It was something that I desperately needed to hear. Because when you struggle with any kind of mental illness, such as anxiety, sometimes you feel like a criminal…. like there is this huge stigma attached to it.
Anyways, it was a very long journey that I am finally starting to come through. I am learning that it’s ok to connect to my body again. After years of chronic pain, I would often just disconnect from my body mentally. So I have started doing yoga to really allow myself to connect and stay present. Remember, fight or flight was my normal.
I am allowing myself to live life at a much slower pace. That has meant letting this blog go by not posting much. It has also meant just taking time to relax more.
I am seeking out the treatments that really are going to help me. Cranial Sacral therapy is one of these therapies. And I am also seeing an eye doctor who specializes in brain injury patients. I had no idea that my brain was not processing correctly what my eyes were telling my body. Oh, and I am finally going through counseling to really deal with the trauma from the car accident and the trial.
I know the glasses are crooked! I can’t even see straight to put them on correctly.
It took me a very long time to navigate a plan for my health. Which is why I was gone so very long. But I knew that I needed to make my health a priority and really start working through these long time issues. I am actually excited to really start living again and put my life back together. But in the way that I choose this time.
Hey all!!! I have so many new prints up in the etsy shop. I have some really great ones for baby nurseries. I spent a lot of time revamping some older work into wall art. So if you know anyone have a baby soon, this would be the perfect gift. I also do custom monograms for $50, it includes your choice of colors and an 11 x 14 print.
I believe color tells a story when words cannot. I believe my story can sometimes only be told by paint. I believe in the healing power of art. I believe our tears are holy. Sacred. Tears can cleanse and wash away the dirt of the soul. And sometimes my tears come out in paint. Maybe if you sit and listen, you will be able to hear my story through these paintings. And maybe. Just maybe. You will recognize your own story in mine. (All of these originals available here.)
I know. It’s about time. Is it really April already? Oh my! Time to dust off my little blog.
This last year has been a journey for me. I have so much to share about depression and anxiety and loving yourself and health stuff and well, I just don’t even know where to start. So you will forgive me if it takes a bit to all come spilling out? I know it will. I have been writing and creating up a storm. Before we get into all the story telling, I just wanted to share some new pieces with you available in my Etsy store. The art has just been pouring out of me. There is a lot of new good stuff in there. So please check it out.
Here are some fun new one word prints that I have created.
Hey all!!! I just wanted to let you know that I now have my calendars available for purchase in my Etsy store. I know a lot of you buy one every year. So I just wanted to let you know that they were available. I don’t have pics of the actual calendar yet, but they are available for pre-order. I included mostly paintings this time around, with little to no digital art.
You can purchase one here. Thanks so much for all the great sales this last week or so. I am so grateful for all of you who do purchase my products. This is one of paintings included in this year’s calendar.