When I chose “grounded” as my word for the year 2014, I had no idea really what the next year would hold for me. I didn’t realize that I would have more than ample opportunities to really stay grounded. Life never turns out the way we think it will.
I am still reeling from the health crash of 2014. I have finally come to the conclusion that my body shutting down was just a mixture of a lot of things. And I don’t have to figure it out either. My job is just to take care of myself the best that I can.
It has meant asking for a LOT of help. From friends and family and doctors and specialists.
I have learned that it’s ok to fire a doctor who is not safe. I get to set the boundaries in my life, my heart and my relationships. I have the power to say when something’s not ok.
I get to say no. I am the only one who can listen to my body. And it’s ok to ask for what you need. And it’s ok to take the time to really heal. Because I deserve it.
If you ignore your body, it will find a way to tell you something. Trust me.
When you have been through any kind of trauma, it lives in your body. Bleh! And until you deal with that trauma, it’s very easy to return to fight or flight. Or even live there.
What I didn’t know, was how often my body was operating in fight or flight. And all it took this last year was a series of major illnesses to send my body and brain into perpetual fight or flight. Which meant every day panic attacks, trips to the ER, the doctor, and the Emergicare. I feel like I have this going to the ER down pat. I know what to bring with me, when the best time to go is, who to take, and what to ask for. I even started recognizing the staff! Wow, you know that is bad.
But through all of that, I learned to really listen to my body. That it really is ok to ask for help. And to not be so hard on myself.
The last time I was there, the guy who taking all of my information just kept saying, “I’m not judging you!” It was something that I desperately needed to hear. Because when you struggle with any kind of mental illness, such as anxiety, sometimes you feel like a criminal…. like there is this huge stigma attached to it.
Anyways, it was a very long journey that I am finally starting to come through. I am learning that it’s ok to connect to my body again. After years of chronic pain, I would often just disconnect from my body mentally. So I have started doing yoga to really allow myself to connect and stay present. Remember, fight or flight was my normal.
I am allowing myself to live life at a much slower pace. That has meant letting this blog go by not posting much. It has also meant just taking time to relax more.
I am seeking out the treatments that really are going to help me. Cranial Sacral therapy is one of these therapies. And I am also seeing an eye doctor who specializes in brain injury patients. I had no idea that my brain was not processing correctly what my eyes were telling my body. Oh, and I am finally going through counseling to really deal with the trauma from the car accident and the trial.
I know the glasses are crooked! I can’t even see straight to put them on correctly.
It took me a very long time to navigate a plan for my health. Which is why I was gone so very long. But I knew that I needed to make my health a priority and really start working through these long time issues. I am actually excited to really start living again and put my life back together. But in the way that I choose this time.