hello. i am sitting here typing on my new computer! wahoo!!! finally we are back in business. i can’t tell you how happy i am to be typing on an actual keyboard and not an iphone or tablet. i have returned to using an actual desktop. i know i will miss the mobility of my laptop, but there is only so much information you can store on a laptop. mine was starting to run out of room in a big way. i am actually excited to have a desktop. i think it will help define when i am actually working and when i am not. i am so happy to start working a little bit again. i know things will be different with the constraints that a new baby brings. but i realized this week that i really need to be working to feel like a normal person. it gives me life.
eva is six weeks old. i started to hit a major wall this week that felt a little like the beginning of postpartum depression. i could feel it creeping up on me. and when you have dealt with depression before, it really can be scary. for a few days, i started to panic. i knew that if i wasn’t careful, things could spiral out of control. i have been down that road before and it is not something that i want to repeat.
i am pretty sure i had some major postpartum depression with my first two. i remember how stuck and down i felt on a regular basis. this was on top of the depression following my accident. maybe it was just ptsd that blurred into postpartum. i don’t know. i don’t really care what you call it. i just know that i do not want a repeat of that time.
something clicked this week though. i thought, wait a minute. i am not that same person anymore. i have the tools to deal with this. i knew that the most important thing was to ask for help. having a support system is huge. isolation only perpetuates depression. and i know how to communicate so much better now. so that is what i did. and just talking to my husband and my friends, it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. i even discussed the situation with my doctor. trust me i am not beyond taking a anti-depressant if need be. i decided to wait before going on something… but, i think it’s important for people to know that it’s ok if that is what you need. the most important thing is getting the help you need.
sooooo much is different this time around!!! my husband is more supportive. i know how to ask for what i need. i know that it’s good to get a break from the baby. (i bought a hospital grade pump this time because i knew that i would need to get away). i know that feeling guilty is just part of the equation, that it’s normal to feel that way. i have a house cleaner. oh yeah!!! that makes life so much easier. i have art now. art is what brought me out of my depression before.
so i forced myself back into the studio this week… all of that anxiety seemed to ooze out of my body as soon as i picked up a paintbrush. art really is healing!!! the clouds began to part and i felt the darkness lift. i CAN do this! i got this one. i have a choice. i am not the victim. i can get help.
i know that it’s not always this easy to break free from depression. i know that there are times when you are just stuck. i have been there. but maybe that is why i know how not to go there again. because even if it’s easy to remember the down times, it’s easier to remember the way out, kind of like a road map. yes i remember you depression. but i also know how to get out of your trap. and no i won’t be staying. i am just passing through…