on nesting, pregnancy and home… (it’s been quite a journey)
we lost our home when i was 7 or 8 months pregnant with my first child zoe. her name means life, and boy did i need life. i don’t really recommend losing your house when you are pregnant. it’s not an experience that i would choose to repeat. losing your home is one thing indeed, but doing it while you are pregnant is a whole other set of sorrows.
we knew for at least six months that we would not be able to stay. so it wasn’t a big surprise or anything. but it didn’t make it any less hard.
this was our first home. i still remember the day we signed the contract. we picked everything out at the builder. we wrote scriptures on the walls before they dry walled. we would even sneak into the house when the workers weren’t there just to sit and imagine what it would be like to live there. my mom helped me decorate the entire house on a very small budget. i imagined raising my children in that home. we had so many joyous moments in the home that we had built together.
we were young and we thought we could conquer the world. i quit teaching (to start trying for a family) and my husband started his own business. what were we thinking? but then the unexpected happened… i was in a car accident. and the following year seems like a big blur in my mind. it ended with losing everything financially (then getting pregnant). i wasn’t working at all after the car accident, and that was a major factor in losing our home. you know how you always say you want to be ready financially to have a baby? well we were exactly the opposite of that.
there is a lot of shame attached to losing your home in our culture. you feel irresponsible and dumb. you are afraid to tell other people because of the stigma attached to it. and it only added to the grief and loss of the car accident.
but i missed out on something very important in that pregnancy. i missed the whole nesting phase. you know the whole picking out everything for the nursery. the matching bedding and teddy bears and getting everything set up just so. instead there were computer boxes (from my husband’s business) in the nursery and a crib set up in our bedroom. it felt like i was robbed of some special rite of passage to get ready for the baby. not to mention that i despised the smaller ugly townhome that we had moved into. it hadn’t been remodeled since it was built in the 1980’s and let me tell you, there was carpet in the bathrooms people… and it was pretty disgusting. oh, and the laundry room was so gross I pretty much avoided it as much as possible.
now i am not complaining… god most definitely provided for all of our needs, but not much more. we always had just enough. in fact, i think that i was amazed at how all of our needs were met. almost everything was given to us from friends and family. we were so blessed!!! but it was still hard to go from our beautiful home to one that needed some major help and love.
then 11 months after having my first little girl, the next one was on the way. they shared a bedroom almost from the moment the second one was born, so i never really got to decorate a nursery.
i always felt trapped in that house. it was dark and depressing. it was a reminder to me of all the things that i had lost. we were there for what felt like forever. for years it felt like nothing would turn around. for much of the time we only had one car, so i really was trapped. but i made the best of that little townhome, painting murals and faux wallpaper on the walls, trying to make it our home. but it still always seemed sad. like it was always grieving the loss of our house.
(of course, these pictures make our townhome look beautiful… but it really was only because of the beauty i created. i wish i had taken some pictures of the ugly bathrooms and kitchen.)
so when we moved two years ago into the beautiful rancher we live in now, i am sure you can imagine we were overcome with joy. this house is everything we needed and more. there is plenty of space for me to have an art studio and my husband to run his business. there is room for the girls’ toys. there is a huge backyard for the girls to play in, something we never had at the townhome. there are even enough bedrooms for a nursery, a need we hadn’t even anticipated moving into this home. and guess what? there is no carpet in the bathrooms!!! the house that we live in now is even better than the one that we lost with way more room for our growing family and businesses.
and now i get to do something i have never done before… decorate a nursery. and now you know exactly why that feels so amazing and glorious to me. i get to nest this time around. i get to make a beautiful home. i get to prepare for this baby with joy. like i have said before, she is my restoration baby. she is a huge part of god’s plan to restore all that was stolen from me in the car accident and the years that followed.
i really wouldn’t change what we have walked through because it has made me who i am today. i am thankful for those experiences, even the yucky carpet. somehow new life just feels so much more meaningful when you have walked through dark and broken places.
i promise to show more pics of the baby’s nursery when there is more to show! still have a lot of work to do to get everything ready. we just got a crib and moved a dresser into the room. so it’s coming along…