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dealing with uncertainty

August 6, 2012

*big deep sigh*

growing belly

growing belly

it’s finally here. the day i have been waiting for… the first day of school. can you hear that? it’s peaceful and quiet in my house. i can actually hear myself think. no other voices to filter out. no one demanding my time and energy. i think getting back into the structure of school is really going to help my productivity.

not to mention, i am now almost 13 weeks pregnant. one more week of the first trimester. now that is something to celebrate!!! i can feel my energy slowly returning.

i have so much to share, like pictures from my art show last week. that is why i was missing in action all week… trying to juggle getting ready for my show, being pregnant and getting the girls ready for school was just crazy. i have so many journal pages to share and feel like i am finally ready to take on this season.

i have to admit, i have been at a loss for words lately. so unlike me i know. i usually have no problems figuring out what is going on in my head and sharing all of that with you. but there has been this huge block, like a great expanse of brick wall i keep running into every time i sit down to express my feelings. and i have felt so stuck, like i am in major limbo, waiting for answers.

the beginning of my pregnancy was not easy on me. so very unlike my other ones. and i feel like the uncertainty in my pregnancy seeped out into every area of my life, including my business.

this is the part where i share something very personal with all of you. i often have people ask me how i can be so vulnerable with everyone. and i tell them that i can’t help it. it’s actually become part of my therapy. i have found that if i don’t share with people my struggles, i can’t get past them. it’s like when i can share my struggles from a place of honesty and vulnerability, then those struggles actually become a weapon for me to use to get through those things. it’s the power in telling your story.

i spotted for a good part of the beginning of my pregnancy. i had three ultra-sounds to check on the progress of my baby. at one point, they found what they thought could have been a second yolk sac with no baby in it. the first baby was tracking great, growing perfectly. the doctor thought that i could have been carrying twins and miscarried one of them.

now i am not sharing this to get messages of sympathy from all of you. it’s actually been hard for me to know how i am supposed to feel about all of this. am i supposed to grieve a baby that we don’t even know was really there? it’s not like we saw a baby and then lost it. and it could have just been a pocket of blood in my uterus. so i have been coming to terms with how i am supposed to deal with all of this.

but it was the uncertainty. the not knowing that really got to me. every time i started spotting, i would think i was losing the baby. and i know there are a lot of women who spot during their pregnancy. but it was just really hard for me to get past the uncertainty. if i miscarried, at least i would know that i could be sad and grieve. but it was just back and forth. i would spot and then stop, spot and then stop. it felt like it was never ending.

i have stopped spotting and feel a lot more settled now. but i am just still dealing with aftermath of that crazy season of not knowing. i feel like i am now through that place of holding my breath and waiting for the first trimester to pass. now i can finally start to put the pieces back together and get past all of this uncertainty.

i feel like i am ready to really embrace this season and find all of the beautiful gifts wrapped up in this new life. that i can actually start to enjoy this pregnancy, bumps and bruises and all.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. August 6, 2012 8:12 pm

    Every pregnancy is different…..You manage to express yourself very well despite your thoughts of not being able too..I’ll be praying for you..

  2. August 6, 2012 9:19 pm

    The best thing about your blog is your candor and honesty about yourself and your life experiences. Thanks for sharing with us!

  3. joanne permalink
    August 7, 2012 3:06 am

    It’s good to hear you are starting to feel better.Enjoy every moment with this little baby growing inside you.Hope to hear more of your progress.Take care.Joanne

  4. August 9, 2012 11:06 am

    I just started following you a little while ago and I find it admirable how open you are with your feelings and life in general. Uncertainty is a tough feeling to overcome. I’m glad you have been coming to terms with it. Take care of yourself and focus on all the enjoyable moments this precious baby is filling your life with. 🙂

  5. August 13, 2012 5:10 am

    I had a miscarriage 5 years ago, aged 40, and it is my broken place and also the place where my art comes from. Focus on the positive and the beautiful baby that is now growing inside you. I look forward to hearing all about it. Take care, Michelle.

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