project enjoy life
eight years. next month. that is a long stretch of time. of sunrises and sunsets. of new beginnings and new life. my children were born. they took their first steps. and ate their first piece of cake. and laughed for the very first time and many times afterward. since then there have been thousands of moments. moments that were fleeting… moments that i didn’t drink in the beauty.
eight years is a very long time.
i realized something yesterday about myself. something that is very vulnerable for me to admit. but i know i must share it with you because i know many of you have experienced this same feeling too. many of you probably feel the same way today, right now even.
i realized that i have been terrified to enjoy life. that i didn’t know how to anymore. i realized that i have done everything i could to keep myself from enjoying life. because i have been so afraid that if i did start to enjoy life, it would all be taken away again.
and so i did things to sabotage myself. i would not let myself really enjoy the small moments. i wouldn’t invite friends over for a barbecue because i wouldn’t allow myself to connect. i even told myself that i couldn’t have real friendships. i would tell myself that i couldn’t have that new dress. i would deprive myself with food and when i did indulge, beat myself up afterwards. i lived mostly to just get through the moment, not letting myself really have fun or enjoy anything.
i think that if you have been through any trauma in your life, this is a normal response. and it’s ok.
i remember the summer when my life fell to pieces. i remember feeling alive and full of hope for the future. i had just quit my job to start a family. and i just felt free. i remember having people over and just really enjoying life. it was the last season in my life that i really remember having fun. i was taking a leap of faith, and it didn’t feel scary at all.
on the day of the accident i was driving to a friend’s house. i had made enchiladas and i was going to share them with one of my closest girlfriends. i remember feeling excited to get there. we were celebrating life. we were celebrating a new season. i was so full with expectation and life. i was having the best time ever. and in a second it all changed. and my life came crashing down with the crush of metal.
the thing is… all this time, i was protecting my heart. i was keeping myself from really living and being present. it was easier to keep myself from enjoying life than to be devastated. and i had no idea i was even doing this. but always in the back of my mind i kept thinking, you can’t enjoy this moment because it will all be over soon.
but i am making a choice to start living again. to have friends over and dance to fun music and be spontaneous and lay under the stars. to make new friends and heal old friendships. to run through the sprinklers and eat ice cream and go on dates with my husband. to eat really good food and grow veggies in my garden. to drink wine and live in the now.
i really feel like i need to almost relearn how to celebrate life. and i want to document it here. so i am starting project enjoy life. there will be no rules except to start enjoying life again. for real. and to share it with all of you. i invite you to join me this summer if you want. share with me your moments of enjoying life. link to your blogs if you want. whatever…
be back tomorrow to share some project enjoy life pictures. off to enjoy my life.