coming up for air
tomorrow i turn 35. and i find myself in a space of solitude. seeking. resting. hoping. i feel as if i should be “doing” something. creating the next big thing. but for right now, it feels kind of good to not have anything on my books. no expectations on myself or my schedule. it can be hard, but i am giving myself permission to just be. to let go of the expectations of making a living on my art. to melt into myself and what he is calling me to be. that no matter what, it’s going to be ok. it always has been.
i feel like i am coming up for air. everything has slowed to what seems to be a snails pace, even here on the blog where everything is usually bustling. it’s the beginning of summer. it’s five o’clock and i am still in my pajamas. my husband and i will go out for tapas and wine after we put the little ones to sleep to celebrate my birthday. and i will cherish the moments of real conversation for a few short hours. i am not sure why but it feels like a lonely season. i won’t have some big celebration this year and for some reason it just feels right. maybe it’s just my introvert side seeking recovery after last week. i am not sure.
i have been taking stock of my dreams. i started out the year with big intentions. some of them still feel so very far away. like being licensed as an artist. i haven’t shared this yet, but i did have an interview earlier in the year with a licensing agent. and for some reason or another it just didn’t feel right…. so i have still been searching for the right agent. in some ways it is hard to have patience and wait for his best. i have taken it as a sign that maybe right now is not the best time for me. that i need to really dig deeper and find more of who i am as an artist. and that’s ok. if my only goal would be to become better, then that is a good goal. it’s ok that i am not sprinting away at this crazy life like other artists who seem to have their careers handed to them. which feels like a paradox in the midst of my word for the year which is momentum.
have i lost my momentum? or have i just come up for air. because we all need to breathe. and after all, i get to decide the life i want to live. “a life lived that matters is not of circumstance but of choice.” i have somehow let go of my victim mentality and i am walking forward in choice. but i feel like i have to digest it first. like i am still figuring out what i want out of life. but it’s ok. because when you are building a foundation, you are doing work that no one else sees except yourself and you are going deep and wide. how tall you can build is all dependent on your foundation. and so many people are so excited to start building tall, but if they haven’t done the deep work in the foundation it doesn’t really matter.
i have been mulling over some big decisions. one that i have been putting in a lot of thought into that includes what i put into my body. i really am thinking about cutting all animal products out of my life and becoming a vegan. it’s not that i am committing 100 % to this lifestyle, but just realizing that my diet needs to be more plant based and as little animal products as possible. i know this is not for everyone, and it has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion, but i just feel more alive on a vegan diet.
so as i go forward into being 35 i am contemplative and not exactly where i thought i would be at this time. but i know big things are happening under the surface. and i have to keep going forward into what i am supposed to do. so at the almost half way mark to this year, i feel the momentum slowing. i know i can’t survive at a fast pace at all times. and that is ok!!!