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coming up for air

May 26, 2012
self portrait


tomorrow i turn 35. and i find myself in a space of solitude. seeking. resting. hoping. i feel as if i should be “doing” something. creating the next big thing. but for right now, it feels kind of good to not have anything on my books. no expectations on myself or my schedule. it can be hard, but i am giving myself permission to just be. to let go of the expectations of making a living on my art. to melt into myself and what he is calling me to be. that no matter what, it’s going to be ok. it always has been.

i feel like i am coming up for air. everything has slowed to what seems to be a snails pace, even here on the blog where everything is usually bustling. it’s the beginning of summer. it’s five o’clock and i am still in my pajamas. my husband and i will go out for tapas and wine after we put the little ones to sleep to celebrate my birthday. and i will cherish the moments of real conversation for a few short hours. i am not sure why but it feels like a lonely season. i won’t have some big celebration this year and for some reason it just feels right. maybe it’s just my introvert side seeking recovery after last week. i am not sure.

i have been taking stock of my dreams. i started out the year with big intentions. some of them still feel so very far away. like being licensed as an artist. i haven’t shared this yet, but i did have an interview earlier in the year with a licensing agent. and for some reason or another it just didn’t feel right…. so i have still been searching for the right agent. in some ways it is hard to have patience and wait for his best. i have taken it as a sign that maybe right now is not the best time for me. that i need to really dig deeper and find more of who i am as an artist. and that’s ok. if my only goal would be to become better, then that is a good goal. it’s ok that i am not sprinting away at this crazy life like other artists who seem to have their careers handed to them. which feels like a paradox in the midst of my word for the year which is momentum.

have i lost my momentum? or have i just come up for air. because we all need to breathe. and after all, i get to decide the life i want to live. “a life lived that matters is not of circumstance but of choice.” i have somehow let go of my victim mentality and i am walking forward in choice. but i feel like i have to digest it first. like i am still figuring out what i want out of life. but it’s ok. because when you are building a foundation, you are doing work that no one else sees except yourself and you are going deep and wide. how tall you can build is all dependent on your foundation. and so many people are so excited to start building tall, but if they haven’t done the deep work in the foundation it doesn’t really matter.

i have been mulling over some big decisions. one that i have been putting in a lot of thought into that includes what i put into my body. i really am thinking about cutting all animal products out of my life and becoming a vegan. it’s not that i am committing 100 % to this lifestyle, but just realizing that my diet needs to be more plant based and as little animal products as possible. i know this is not for everyone, and it has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion, but i just feel more alive on a vegan diet.

so as i go forward into being 35 i am contemplative and not exactly where i thought i would be at this time. but i know big things are happening under the surface. and i have to keep going forward into what i am supposed to do. so at the almost half way mark to this year, i feel the momentum slowing. i know i can’t survive at a fast pace at all times. and that is ok!!!

13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 26, 2012 5:59 pm

    I’m in a quiet, vulnerable place, too… which strangely feels okay.

    Wishing you a happy, happy birthday, my friend!

  2. Maureen Hayes permalink
    May 26, 2012 6:28 pm

    Happy Birthday!!! You aren’t alone, I am very vulnerable and alone too!

  3. May 26, 2012 7:10 pm

    Wendy, my wife and I cut out all dairy and red meats out of our diet earlier this year. We still eat organic chicken, turkey and eggs, but even the just the red meat and dairy was enough to both improve our health and help us cut some serious weight. I highly recommend the move to a plant based diet, but it’s ok to do it in stages too. You’ll feel so much better, and have more energy.

    • May 26, 2012 9:34 pm

      thanks dave! i actually have been dairy free and egg free for a long time now. and last year i actually went vegan for one month. i agree, it’s one of those things that happens in stages. but i feel like it’s been a long time coming for me. and whenever i eat this way, i feel better. it was after watching forks over knives that i started thinking i wanted to really do it this time. it’s weird though, because whenever i go vegan i don’t have any desire for meat. it almost seems gross to me. i think if i do eat meat, it will just be on special occasions. i know that when i put too many restrictions on my diet, i always rebel. so i am not doing that this time. so we will see.

  4. Sandy permalink
    May 27, 2012 12:39 am

    I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

  5. May 27, 2012 4:17 am

    Wishing you a very happy birthday Wendy! You are exactly where you need to be ALWAYS! I find this hard sometimes too but you are right it is all o.k. Mwaahh…

  6. May 27, 2012 7:56 am

    happy birthday Wendy, I hope your new year brings all you wish for and more. 🙂

  7. May 27, 2012 8:35 pm

    Happy Birthday!

  8. May 28, 2012 8:38 am

    Wendy I hope I am not too late to wish you a very happy birthday. It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things and I know that you will get to where you are supposed to be and it will all be good and fine. Have a great day and a great year ahead.
    Big love
    AJ 🙂

  9. ann dickey permalink
    May 28, 2012 7:10 pm

    no way…. its your birthday!?! i think that you should do exactly what you want today… no excuses!! and just enjoy!!!
    AND….. i dont think that you have lost any of your momentum… i think its quite the opposite actually. i think you are just learning that momentum is VERY different from being in a hurry. there is no need for you to rush anything…. moving forward happens in inches, feet, and miles…. and its all positive growth!!! no matter how much ground is covered in a given day, week, or month…. you are still moving in the right direction with purpose.
    again… a very happy bday wish for you my friend.

  10. joanne permalink
    May 28, 2012 11:09 pm

    Happy Birthday Wendy!!! I hope you’ve had a wonderful day and been spoilt.Joanne

  11. May 29, 2012 3:07 pm

    I can sympathise. I usually have all sorts of projects going on, but right now, I decided to just let things happen as they may. I have ideas and plans, but instead of giving myself deadlines and rushing about, I’m letting things happen as they may, naturally unfolding as I figure things out more easily and less frantically.

    It’s only the end of May! You have half a year in front of you, yawning with possibility!

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