breaking through fears

i was having a moment yesterday. the kind where you want to hyperventilate into a paper bag. breathe in… breathe out. fear was getting the best of me and the result was that i felt frozen. no movement. i couldn’t think clearly. i couldn’t do art. since when does that happen?

my thoughts went a little like this…

who do you think you are stepping out in these big crazy ways? nothing is going to come of it. no one is going to come to your events. you don’t have enough followers to make it happen. you don’t have a large enough email list. everything is going to fall to pieces. what’s so great about your message? no one wants to listen to you. again, who do you think you are?

now that i speak these things out, they do sound just a little bit irrational. but i wanted to share these things with you because we all have these paralyzing thoughts. the kinds that make you feel stuck. the kinds that keep you from going forward. the what’s the use ideology. and i have to say that normally i would have just stopped right there. i would have shut down and believed the lies. and even though i would still push to move forward in my business, deep down i would be waiting. waiting for everything to fail.

it’s a problem that i have.

personal sabotage.

why? because it’s easier to sabotage yourself before you actually fail isn’t it? you abort your dreams before they even have time to take shape. it’s easier that way because you just don’t have to do the hard work of pushing through your fear.

embrace vulnerability

you see, the way i chose to handle it this time was to seek wise counsel. from someone who knows me really well from someone who believes in me and my dreams. from someone who is invested in my dreams. yes you need a team of people around you like this when you want to accomplish your big dreams. because there will be moments of self doubt where you question everything. and you need someone to pull you back into reality and combat the fear with truth.

confiding in this person all of my doubts and fears helped me see them exactly for what they were. doubts and fears. NOT the truth.

and this woman helped me to remember the truth. that i am right where i am supposed to be. doing what i am supposed to be doing. because she believes in ME and my mission.

the truth is that i have a story to tell. the truth is that there are women out there who need to hear it. and guess what? so do you! you have a story to tell that no else can tell. and there are people desperate to hear your story. there are other people out there who need to know that they are not alone.

i was gardening this last weekend. yes, i am quite positive that this will not be the last garden analogy i will share with you. after i had broken up my fallow ground, i started planting seeds. and i was planting them, i was thinking that this is so much like my life right now. i have sown seeds all over the place in my life. and it’s kind of  a hard place to be in, because i still can’t see all of the growth that is going on just beneath the surface. i can’t see any new growth happening.

and i have to trust. trust that what i have planted will sprout soon and grow into something beautiful and life giving. but for that short germination period, you have to trust. and hope and pray that the weather will not get to it or the birds. that the seeds you have planted will come to fruition.

and it’s hard because the germination time is so fragile and vulnerable. and you can’t see all of the growth happening under the surface.

i am also encouraged to know that we all face fear. it’s just what we decide to do with it that counts. we have the choice to let it paralyze us and let it abort the dreams we have inside of us. or we can make a choice to push past it. i don’t care what you say fear, i am doing this anyways. i am going forward and not going to look back.

it’s like my friend melody ross says, but she did it anyway.

so that is what i decided to do. put on my brave girl boots and keep going. and i am pretty sure that i had to go through this yesterday. to give me more resolve and to keep fighting for all the women i am supposed to touch. and also to remind some of you, who are feeling paralyzed by fear. to let you know that you are not alone. to help you speak out your fears to people who believe in you. and to help you push through your fears too. come on… we will do it together.