journey of an artist
i feel like my inspirations are on the move again. some days i feel like i can’t even keep up with the way that my style is moving and changing and growing and morphing into something completely different. it’s a little daunting, scary and absolutely exhausting.
i have been getting ready to reopen shop on etsy soon. many days i sit and create like mad. off on some hair brained idea to put paint to paper or canvas. reinventing myself. stitching crazily. tearing paper. dripping watercolors. i spend hours in my studio. up early in the quiet morning while everyone is still sleeping. and i am slaving away on my style.
i can’t help it. i must answer the beckoning of my paintbrush.
then when i return after taking care of every day life, i am not impressed.
it’s a big let down. disaster. it’s not what i want to say. sure there are elements that i would like to keep here and there. but it’s not what i want it to be.
i find myself editing more. doing less. tweaking. and returning to an idea. perfecting it. branching out. experimenting and trying new things.
it’s a mix between beauty and mess.
the thread and paper scraps accumulate around my sewing machine.
for every great piece, there are four or five or six that i don’t love. what a waste of watercolor paper.
i cannot tell you what a roller coaster it feels like at times. the high of having another great idea, only to crash into disappointment.
i suppose it all really is part of the journey. of finding myself. of finding my style. of finding my artistic voice.
i look at other artists and their work. and i feel somewhat unsettled. i don’t feel so confident. i don’t feel sure of my work.
and so i return again. to find that missing piece to the puzzle.
and it’s ever evolving. my style. who i am as an artist. i have to stop trying to be everyone else. i have to let go and surrender to me. i suppose it is the journey that all really great artists take. not content to be stagnant or stay the same. to stretch beyond their limitations and feel at home with their work all at the same time. is that a contradiction or what?
i wonder how many compositions laid crumpled up on mozart’s floor. how many paintings did monet or picasso or di’vinci discard? i suppose we shall never truly know.
so i surrender to the journey once again. i have to remind myself that it is not about the end product, it’s really all about the process. it’s about the becoming. and i have no other choice but to continue down this path. hopefully it will lead me to true greatness. but if not, i will be happy in the creating. the total soul wrenching process at times, the writing of my soul on paper. yes, it is good because i am becoming.
note: the two originals pictured at the beginning of the post are now on sale in my etsy store.