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why i do what i do

March 25, 2011

altered door

i woke up in the middle of the night in a panic. it felt like it came from no where but it had been creeping up on me for a week or two. this nagging feeling. i know that this kind of sounds weird but i have this fear of success and becoming a well known artist. i didn’t even know i had this fear until all these amazing things started happening at the beginning of this year. so let me back up a bit.

i am a tad bit introverted. i have gotten better over the years. i am personable and can carry on a conversation with anyone. i don’t get as nervous speaking in front of people anymore. i have grown so much in this area. i was extremely shy as a child and hardly spoke at all. hard to believe? well i am not really that girl anymore. but every once in a while she creeps in just a little bit.

i don’t enjoy being the center of attention. at my own wedding i was a little rattled. all eyes were on me and that was just a bit much for me.

going back to my middle of the night panic attack. here i was laying in my bed thinking what the heck am i doing god? this feels scary to me. people are watching me, even if they are only reading my blog. people are looking to me for inspiration. what if i let them down? what if i can’t perform? maybe i should just go back to my little life of obscurity. i am fine with that. living the rest of my days with no one knowing my name or my art. (well not really, but that is what the shy little girl in me was saying). i have a tiny little following right now. what am i going to do when i am even more well known?

by the way, i don’t get how movie stars can do it with all of the attention and not going crazy. maybe that is why some of them do.

so here i am in this funk. wanting to crawl under a rock and just hide for a while. seriously. when i get an email from a somerset studio reader. it is from another person who was rear ended a year ago. (i actually got two emails this week from two different people this week). anyways, she was sharing with me her story and how she had been afraid to pick up a paint brush ever since her car accident. and how my article inspired her to start painting again. but it just. got. to. me.

the feelings she was expressing were all too familiar. no one understanding what you are going through. discombobulated thoughts about your life and what you are supposed to be like now. not knowing which side is up and which side is down. i remember that place all too well.

*wiping away tears*

this is why i am here. this is why i do what i do. this is the very reason why i get to share my story with other people. because if i can help one person walk through what i did, it will all be worth it. worth every forgotten appointment. worth every lost conversation. worth every moment that was gut wrenchingly difficult.

there are people out there that need to hear my story. because i needed to hear it once upon a time.

moment of clarity. all this fear about being well known just fades away. because it really doesn’t matter. it isn’t about me anyway. it is about seeing other people find healing.

so just remind me of this the next time i completely freak out and want to bury my head in the sand. because i am sure i will.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. March 25, 2011 8:02 am

    Hi, so glad I had the day off so I could leisurely sit and view my fav’s…..and there was your cardboard video – so much fun! I love that you did that and I could see what happens as it happened!!! It had washes, watercolor, acrylic, stitching – gesso…thanks so much. And remember we can’t see the fear (it’s not really there – if, we can’t see it LOL). You come through as a friend sitting across from me as we play and I LOVE IT.
    Thanks for sharing your feelings too,

  2. March 25, 2011 8:39 am

    Thanks again for sharing another chapter of your story with readers. You have so much to say, so much to share…not just your artwork, but your life, your experiences, etc. It’s all part of a wonderful package! I, too, can relate to the “Oh my God, what have I done?” feeling in the middle of the night. This week, I posted some of my art to online challenges for the first time, and in Jan. I submitted a project for publication; I can tell you I’m occasionally struck with a sense of panic because I’m so self-conscious about sharing my artwork publicly, and am, quite honestly, fearful of rejection. Sometimes I have such a feeling of dread that I wish I could grab back the work that I put out there…but then I remember that it’s all part of that next step I need to take, part of my progress.
    It helps so much to know that other artists also experience this kind of self-doubt from time to time.

  3. March 25, 2011 1:44 pm

    Well Ms. Thang, let me just tell you something right now! I have been searching tags, browsing wordpress blogs, forgetting where I started, and wondering who the hell has some inspiration to give me. Of course here you are. You have been found and I already appreciate you. Hell, I appreciate you updating, posting videos (so cool), and telling me some really personal stuff. I would love to email you. I would love to read every thought you post on this here blog, sugar. My name is Ronny, and I am here to say I am inspired, and nice to meetcha and greetcha.

  4. joanne permalink
    March 25, 2011 3:06 pm

    I too understand fear.Only this week I have been battling through a deep depression.I have suffered for 5 years now and I have better days and I have really bad days.But even through this despair I have switched my computer on and the first blog I go to is yours.I have never painted till about 5 months ago and have found that it is one thing that is making me feel happy.So when I read your blog I feel like I have a friend that understands me and has been through similar things.So don’t ever stop doing what you do cause I know I would be lost.Thank you for being there.

  5. March 25, 2011 6:20 pm

    Joanne, I have also suffered from depression…you’re certainly not alone! And when my meds just weren’t doing the trick to lift my spirits, my collaging and painting and stamping was what got me through some tough times. Art journaling and blogging have been very helpful to me, to get things off my chest that I didn’t feel comfortable discussing with friends and family. Very therapeutic.

  6. March 25, 2011 11:18 pm

    Thank you for opening your heart!
    None of us are without scars that imprison us from time to time. You are not alone :]
    Yes, we must tell our stories… weather it is to heal, brake free, or inspire others to carry on.
    You can only be yourself, and that is where the real beauty is.

  7. March 27, 2011 5:57 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve only recently found your blog, but am so glad I did. I can identify with that shy little girl inside also. It’s how we allow God to heal us and use us that matters.

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