why i do what i do
i woke up in the middle of the night in a panic. it felt like it came from no where but it had been creeping up on me for a week or two. this nagging feeling. i know that this kind of sounds weird but i have this fear of success and becoming a well known artist. i didn’t even know i had this fear until all these amazing things started happening at the beginning of this year. so let me back up a bit.
i am a tad bit introverted. i have gotten better over the years. i am personable and can carry on a conversation with anyone. i don’t get as nervous speaking in front of people anymore. i have grown so much in this area. i was extremely shy as a child and hardly spoke at all. hard to believe? well i am not really that girl anymore. but every once in a while she creeps in just a little bit.
i don’t enjoy being the center of attention. at my own wedding i was a little rattled. all eyes were on me and that was just a bit much for me.
going back to my middle of the night panic attack. here i was laying in my bed thinking what the heck am i doing god? this feels scary to me. people are watching me, even if they are only reading my blog. people are looking to me for inspiration. what if i let them down? what if i can’t perform? maybe i should just go back to my little life of obscurity. i am fine with that. living the rest of my days with no one knowing my name or my art. (well not really, but that is what the shy little girl in me was saying). i have a tiny little following right now. what am i going to do when i am even more well known?
by the way, i don’t get how movie stars can do it with all of the attention and not going crazy. maybe that is why some of them do.
so here i am in this funk. wanting to crawl under a rock and just hide for a while. seriously. when i get an email from a somerset studio reader. it is from another person who was rear ended a year ago. (i actually got two emails this week from two different people this week). anyways, she was sharing with me her story and how she had been afraid to pick up a paint brush ever since her car accident. and how my article inspired her to start painting again. but it just. got. to. me.
the feelings she was expressing were all too familiar. no one understanding what you are going through. discombobulated thoughts about your life and what you are supposed to be like now. not knowing which side is up and which side is down. i remember that place all too well.
*wiping away tears*
this is why i am here. this is why i do what i do. this is the very reason why i get to share my story with other people. because if i can help one person walk through what i did, it will all be worth it. worth every forgotten appointment. worth every lost conversation. worth every moment that was gut wrenchingly difficult.
there are people out there that need to hear my story. because i needed to hear it once upon a time.
moment of clarity. all this fear about being well known just fades away. because it really doesn’t matter. it isn’t about me anyway. it is about seeing other people find healing.
so just remind me of this the next time i completely freak out and want to bury my head in the sand. because i am sure i will.