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on letting go of fear and moving on with my life

May 19, 2010

tara, over at scoutie girl, wrote a post today on being stuck, feeling fear, and not giving into depression. she was candidly honest about her own struggles with depression and how she has pushed past them. so for we scout wednesdays, tara asked us to share our own struggles, whatever they may be. i truly appreciate tara’s honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. and i think that depression is a common struggle for creative people. even still, isn’t depression one of those tabu topics? it’s one of those things that you just aren’t supposed to discuss. but i have found that the more you can be open and honest with yourself and others, the more depression loses its power. i realize that to some, this might be a heavy topic to discuss, but for me it is part of letting go of the fear and moving on with my life. and i hope that through sharing my story, others will be encouraged to move forward in their own lives.

i can relate to being stuck. i lived there for almost six years. yeah there were moments of sunshine, but the clouds seemed to take over very often. you see, i was in a car accident six years ago. it did not appear to be a serious car accident, but i had no idea the battles i would face in the days, months, years following. brain injuries are a funny thing. all of the connections in your brain get switched around. so tasks that were once easy for you, are almost impossible. i remember wondering why i couldn’t accomplish simple tasks like cleaning my house, or making a phone call, or following a recipe. i would find myself driving in a city that i have lived in my whole life, completely not knowing how to get to the place i was going. i would forget whole conversations that i would have with people. multi-tasking, planning, listening, all these things seemed impossible. and i don’t know that my brain will ever be the same. but through brain integration therapy, i have been rebuilding the connections in my brain. and i have learned ways to help my brain function better.

having a brain injury and being in chronic pain, it is really easy to feel stuck. financial problems and dishonest insurance companies make it really easy to play the part of the victim. after losing my final battle against the evil insurance company, i had a choice to make. i could continue to be a victim, or i could choose a different story. i could choose to move on with my life and allow these hardships to make me a better person. i could choose hope, life, and restoration. i could choose to believe in the goodness of god and allow him to heal me. i could take a step toward my dreams. how did i do this?

altered journal

well, i think it was a combination of many things. i am so thankful to have wonderful family and friends who helped me through this time. and i started painting again. and i found that the more creative i was, the easier it became to deal with the feelings of depression and being stuck. i was able to channel my emotions into my art and envision a new future for myself and my family. hope slowly started to make it’s way back into my heart. i was able to get the treatment i needed for my brain injury, this was huge! and i am now undergoing treatment i need for my neck and head pain. yay!

i can now say, that yeah, what i went through truly stunk. but, it has also shaped who i am today. and i don’t know that i would paint with as much passion and life if i hadn’t walked down this difficult road. and i would not be able to share hope with others who feel stuck. what are some of the struggles that you have walked through that have helped shape who you are today?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 19, 2010 11:20 am

    After sharing my link, I hopped on over here because I was curious to see what you had to say on the subject. As I read through your blog entry, I felt myself checking off a mental list as you named off your struggles. It was either me, my husband, or both of us in each case.

    I ultimately feel that the struggles we endure not only shape the way we interpret the world around us, but also heighten our sensitivity to it as well.

  2. May 19, 2010 7:53 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story. I really like how you talk about choosing hope…that’s nice. Sometimes, I think that just stepping back and realizing that you can choose hope can start you on the path to recovery. If hope is possible, then everything is! I wish you the best in your continued journey toward completely interconnected brain pathways. *hugs*

  3. May 20, 2010 7:04 pm

    It’s powerful, facing your fears, sharing your story. But that’s what makes you interesting, and makes people want to know more…through your art. You made telling your story seem effortless.Thanks for sharing all of that.

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