dealing with uncertainty
*big deep sigh*
it’s finally here. the day i have been waiting for… the first day of school. can you hear that? it’s peaceful and quiet in my house. i can actually hear myself think. no other voices to filter out. no one demanding my time and energy. i think getting back into the structure of school is really going to help my productivity.
not to mention, i am now almost 13 weeks pregnant. one more week of the first trimester. now that is something to celebrate!!! i can feel my energy slowly returning.
i have so much to share, like pictures from my art show last week. that is why i was missing in action all week… trying to juggle getting ready for my show, being pregnant and getting the girls ready for school was just crazy. i have so many journal pages to share and feel like i am finally ready to take on this season.
i have to admit, i have been at a loss for words lately. so unlike me i know. i usually have no problems figuring out what is going on in my head and sharing all of that with you. but there has been this huge block, like a great expanse of brick wall i keep running into every time i sit down to express my feelings. and i have felt so stuck, like i am in major limbo, waiting for answers.
the beginning of my pregnancy was not easy on me. so very unlike my other ones. and i feel like the uncertainty in my pregnancy seeped out into every area of my life, including my business.
this is the part where i share something very personal with all of you. i often have people ask me how i can be so vulnerable with everyone. and i tell them that i can’t help it. it’s actually become part of my therapy. i have found that if i don’t share with people my struggles, i can’t get past them. it’s like when i can share my struggles from a place of honesty and vulnerability, then those struggles actually become a weapon for me to use to get through those things. it’s the power in telling your story.
i spotted for a good part of the beginning of my pregnancy. i had three ultra-sounds to check on the progress of my baby. at one point, they found what they thought could have been a second yolk sac with no baby in it. the first baby was tracking great, growing perfectly. the doctor thought that i could have been carrying twins and miscarried one of them.
now i am not sharing this to get messages of sympathy from all of you. it’s actually been hard for me to know how i am supposed to feel about all of this. am i supposed to grieve a baby that we don’t even know was really there? it’s not like we saw a baby and then lost it. and it could have just been a pocket of blood in my uterus. so i have been coming to terms with how i am supposed to deal with all of this.
but it was the uncertainty. the not knowing that really got to me. every time i started spotting, i would think i was losing the baby. and i know there are a lot of women who spot during their pregnancy. but it was just really hard for me to get past the uncertainty. if i miscarried, at least i would know that i could be sad and grieve. but it was just back and forth. i would spot and then stop, spot and then stop. it felt like it was never ending.
i have stopped spotting and feel a lot more settled now. but i am just still dealing with aftermath of that crazy season of not knowing. i feel like i am now through that place of holding my breath and waiting for the first trimester to pass. now i can finally start to put the pieces back together and get past all of this uncertainty.
i feel like i am ready to really embrace this season and find all of the beautiful gifts wrapped up in this new life. that i can actually start to enjoy this pregnancy, bumps and bruises and all.