project enjoy anniversary
i don’t know when it started. this business of not really knowing how to celebrate. i’m not sure that i have ever really known how… even pre-accident. of course, the trauma of the brain injury only exacerbated what was already there. my
normal old pattern is quite simple. high expectations. celebration never meeting up to my expectations. disappointment.
except for the times that i shut the special day down before it ever starts. like my birthday a few weeks ago. i decide that it’s not going to amazing so i don’t do anything. it’s easier that way. i think i am preserving myself. but in all reality, i am miserable and hurt regardless. so i might as well get on with the business of being disappointed with life.
but something has been changing in me lately. i am in a new place. and i am really learning to enjoy life again.
it all came with a flooding revelation complete with monsoon tears that i was terrified to enjoy life because i was scared that it would be taken away again. something that i know many people feel who have been through trauma.
and so i have started my journey to really truly enjoying life. it hasn’t been easy by any means. but the amazing thing is that there is always a new day and fresh start. if one day is off, i can always get back on track tomorrow. it’s kind of helps me to just focus on one day at a time.
yesterday was our twelve year anniversary. and instead of feeling the need to celebrate with a big gesture, which is usually what i feel the need to do, we celebrated small. but here’s the thing. you can do big things to celebrate your special day, whatever it is, and not really enjoy it at all. and there can still be an emptiness in the celebration even though you are doing something amazing. it’s almost like nothing is ever good enough because you are already disappointed. sometimes it’s in the small moments that you can find the most joy. sharing a simple meal or glass of wine can be grand because you living in the breadth of that moment, and savoring every drop of goodness and life.
so yesterday… i kind of shocked my husband. because instead of me doing nothing and being miserable, i forced him off his computer and away from his work addiction. we put the girls to bed an hour early… hehe. i persuaded him to open the good bottle of a 2008 malbec. it was delicious by the way. and we talked. and i was present. and something different happened.
instead of checking out in our celebration, what i normally do. i was present. and it was lovely and perfect.
okay i know i really need a manicure!!!!
by the way, last year i got to pick out a new wedding ring. i didn’t get it until november because it took a while to pay it off. but even in that grand gesture, i am sure that it was still not good enough.
so this year i decided to enjoy it. because it really is lovely. and i love it so much. because it was such an investment, i am imagining that it was my present for this year too.
it matters not how big or small your celebration. what matters is if you decide to live in the breadth and width and depth of the moment. this is true celebration.