healing comes in layers…
it’s a snow covered morning here in beautiful colorado. the peak has been dusted with a another winter coat. did i tell you that this is my view every single morning, minus the spring blossoms?
yes, i am that blessed. colorado springs is truly one of the most beauty filled places to live. and i get to breathe it in every day. we are getting ready for spring here. which basically means more snow mixed with a few glorious days of weather… just enough to tease you. and as we face another spring, my heart is truly full of possibility and new life.
i am feeling rather contemplative today as i think about all that has transpired since the beginning of the year. there has definitely been a shift in my life as i focus on taking my business to a completely different level and doing it from a deeper place in my soul. but on a much more personal level, i have truly been experiencing an amazing miracle of healing. well, i shouldn’t say healing because it’s more a completion of healing.
healing comes in layers for me. and just when i feel that my heart has been healed from the broken places, everything cracks wide open and the healing goes to a completely different layer. a layer in my heart that i didn’t even know was there before.
my healing began several years ago when i first picked up a paintbrush and started painting. at the time, i was just doing it for me. to make my heart a little bit lighter. and the more i painted, the more light my heart became. finally here was something my brain could do… after being so frustrated with all of the things that it couldn’t do.
living with a brain injury is really one of the most frustrating things!!! you look normal on the outside, but inside your brain is just broken. imagine not being able to make a simple phone call because the connections in your brain make it impossible. imagine everyone else in your life having the same expectations on you because they can’t see your injury. no one really understands, not even your spouse. it’s not surprising that most marriages don’t make it through a brain injury. and although they can’t understand the magnitude of everything you are experiencing, spouses still experience all of the devastation first hand.
now imagine living years in this place. years of heart ache, depression and stuckness. years of financial ruin. losing our so beloved house. the house where we had written scriptures on every single wall before they put the drywall up. that was our first home together and held so many precious memories for us. oh and try living through postpartum twice with a brain injury. i felt like such a mess at times. like all i could do was survive and make it through those long days.
so when i finally took that paintbrush in my hand and found something my brain was good at, i was floored. and when i started to put my art out there for the world to see, and people actually liked it, i was thrilled.
and i began to tell my story here on the blog. i told it over and over and over again. and each time i told it in a new way, the healing went deeper into my heart. and each time one of you were blessed by my story, i found the grace to keep going. in fact, for each person who was encouraged by my story i found a new strength. and a new purpose. you see it lightened all of the years that were clothed in darkness. what if there was a purpose in my pain? what if it wasn’t all for nothing? what if god could turn something beautiful out of my ashes? what if?
and so i began to experience healing in small little ways. an email from one of you… forgiving myself… choosing hope.
i didn’t wake up one day completely healed, it happened slowly over time as my heart opened to the possibilities. it happened in gratitude. in fact, i remember the time that i was finally able to actually thank god for my car accident. wow!!! that was most definitely one of the biggest landmarks on my journey of healing. i will never forget that feeling. where my bitterness, anger and grief was simply replaced with gratitude, joy and beauty. that was truly a miracle!
and beginning this year i really truly thought that my healing was complete, like there was no deeper it could possibly go. but i was wrong. i have been blown away by a beautiful amazing surprise. something that i did not expect in a million years. the gift of a friend.
this is not just any friend. this is the kind of friendship that is going to change my heart to the core of it’s very being… and already has. remember when i said that no one truly understands what it’s like to live through a brain injury? well god brought me someone who has lived through the aftermath of a brain injury… someone whose life fell to pieces after her husband suffered a brain injury. someone who has experienced first hand the devastation of a brain injury, only from another viewpoint. in some ways, it might be more difficult to live with someone suffering through a brain injury. struggling to understand… standing by while your loved one suffers… waking up to someone that you didn’t marry. i hadn’t really thought about all that my husband had endured all of those years until i started reading her story.
i have never so quickly and completely connected to someone on such a deep level. and i have the uncanny ability of being able to see people for who they truly are right away… it’s my super power. and i have felt close to people on a deep level as soon as i meet them all of the time. but this… this is completely something different. our stories are intertwined. it’s like even though we were living them out in two different states, we were always connected… we just didn’t know it yet. in fact, my accident was exactly one month before her husband’s. what are the chances? this very special friend said to me yesterday… i feel like i have known you for a million years. and that about sums up how i feel about her too.
you will be hearing more of this story in the weeks and months to come. because it’s becoming part of my healing and who i am. when the time is right, i will be sharing more about this amazing woman. but for now, i need to keep it close to my heart. it’s still sacred.
and come april, i will be boarding a plane to go meet my kindred spirit face to face for the first time. what a joyous celebration it will be!!! and truly a dream come true.